When Your Mother's Critical Voice Becomes Your Inner Critic
The Mother Wound: Disappearing Ourselves Just to Be Loved
A mother is supposed to love her child; at least that's what we're told in movies, books, or even in our surroundings; we have this impression that we don't deserve to be loved because the person we're trying to please is the person who brought us into the world; but if this person is not capable of loving you as you would love her, you spend your time trying to prove that you're a good person, forgetting yourself and developing trauma responses. Living with this wound destroys a person who doesn't understand why they're not worthy of being themselves but must do everything to please in order to have a sense of attention.
The Consequences of Maternal Love Deficit
Many women give birth to children not out of love for having children but because they're supposed to; I'm not saying they don't love their children since they haven't learned to love from their mothers; they reproduce what they've learned; we have a transmission of maternal wounds that is passed down from generation to generation. They are not emotionally mature. Yet the mother is the one who nurtures, who creates the bond as the child develops in the womb; even if the father can communicate with the child through the belly. There are many consequences when we don't have the love we expect from a mother:
- Control issues
- Perfectionism
- Selecting men who are more in their feminine energy in hopes of experiencing the love that was missed. But this man cannot support her
- Problems with money relationships
- Low self-esteem
- She is more in her masculine energy
- She doesn't listen to her needs because she cares about criticism
- Eating disorders, emotional connection with food
- She parents her mom
- She is looking for external validation from her mother
- Coping skills (alcohol)
- Feeling that something is wrong with you
- People pleasing
- Lack of boundaries
- Playing small
I realized that the phrases in my head are the phrases of my mother who says I do too much, I laugh too loudly or I'm not enough like my cousins, who are you, you're too demanding, you must always look good, I brought you into this world, you have no right to say anything. Always criticisms that pushed me to take refuge in food, especially sweets, which is a comforting moment to fill a void that can only be filled by me. For a long time, I sought validation from my mother, tried to get closer to her, but how can you get closer to a person who does everything to ignore your presence because she doesn't like your life choices and puts herself at the center of attention whenever it's a special event for her child.
The Impact on Personal Growth when you have mother wound
This led me to seek love elsewhere and to attract friends or lovers where I was too much in my masculine energy, having the savior syndrome, to be the perfect friend. To parent my parents and my siblings just to get a little attention. This created a fear of being oneself, of learning to love oneself because I spent my life playing small. Wanting to blend into a mold when I want a 6-figure business, attracting clients that I had to convince by lowering my rates because I thought I wasn't enough. I attracted people who wouldn't have said yes in the first place.
I stayed in the role of a little girl who has trouble being a woman to please my mother for fear that she would be ashamed of me. Many of my clients feel that their mother is in competition with them. They are afraid to go all out in their dreams or develop a business for fear that their mother will feel threatened, so they self-sabotage. They have this impression that their voices don't count. They criticize themselves daily never to surpass their mother; it becomes their comfort zone.
The Crossroads
But paradoxically, you wear a mask as if you were performing to please the version your mother wants in order to get a little love. This impacts how you behave in society, so you self-sabotage to stay in a version that destroys you every time you're in this performance. You attract people who think they know you or expect things from you that you give not out of desire but because you have a trauma response. This impacts all spheres of your life. You self-sabotage because you learned that you're not safe being yourself.
You have 2 possible choices:
Stay like this to please your mother and miss out on your life. To control what you say, to attract emotionally immature people and this need to fix others to be loved.
Decide to heal this wound by becoming your own parent. By giving yourself love and compassion, to accept change, to stop waiting for your mother's acceptance because you will never have it. How can a person give you the love you need if they have never received it or wanted to question themselves?
I chose the second option. But it took time. Until this week, I didn't dare write this post that I've had in my head for over 5 years. After my allergy crisis where I took a trip to the emergency room, all my negative voices, my negative beliefs and my relationship with my body, the fact that I hide come from my mother who did the best according to what she knew. It's my fault if I continue to believe it. It's my responsibility, I was in victim mode not realizing how lucky I am to be alive, to write and after having my face swollen realize that I am beautiful even if I'm not a size 4. It's time I take on my 90 days challenge, As you must have understood I had to take a break but as soon as I'm in shape. I'm resuming the physical part and relationship with my body.
Choosing Healing
How to get out of this phase to create the life you truly desire?
The first thing is to grieve the idea of the perfect mother. Your mother will never or is not able to give you love as you would like. You must be careful not to wait for a sign from your mother by trying to please her at all costs.
The second thing is to understand that if your mother doesn't love you unconditionally, it's not your fault. Instead of self-sabotaging to pass yourself off as someone who is very small, start becoming your own parent. If you are a parent, don't you want the best for your daughter? Don't you want her to surpass you or do what she wants?
The third thing is to remember your childhood, that child who only asked to be and to be loved for herself without the need to please or to measure all her actions to get attention. I want you to look at that child, tell her that she has the right to be herself. She's not doing too much, she's not speaking too loudly, and she has the right to say no. She has the right to take her place because you will always be there. You love her unconditionally.
If you want more guidance, don't hesitate to ask me questions and I'll be happy to answer you.
This Week's Mood: A Journey of Self-Discovery
This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions, swinging between gratitude, fear, and exhaustion. Just seven days ago, I found myself in the emergency room due to a severe allergic reaction. The incident was alarming - my face swollen, lymph nodes protruding, and skin suffering from chemical burns following a hair coloring mishap. This unexpected health scare forced me into a period of mandatory rest, putting a temporary halt to the physical aspects of my 90-day "Project Her" challenge.
A Wake-Up Call
This pause in my routine became an unexpected catalyst for introspection. I realized that for far too long, I had been harboring negative thoughts about my appearance, all in a misguided attempt to please others. I had fallen into the trap of blaming my physical appearance for various shortcomings in my life, failing to recognize that these were merely internalized negative voices, not truths.
The Self-Sabotage Cycle
It's astounding how often we become our own worst enemies, all in pursuit of validation that may never come. By constantly criticizing myself and seeking external approval, I was unknowingly sabotaging my own progress and happiness. This realization was both sobering and liberating.
A Shift in Perspective
This experience has illuminated the need for a major shift in my self-talk and overall perspective. I've come to understand the vital importance of self-appreciation and celebration of my achievements, no matter how small they may seem. It's crucial to remember that our worth isn't determined by what we have or haven't accomplished. Each step forward, each small victory, is worthy of recognition and praise.
Moving Forward
As I continue on this journey of self-discovery and growth, I'm committed to being kinder to myself. I'm learning to compliment my efforts, celebrate my progress, and acknowledge my inherent value. It's time to silence those internalized negative voices and replace them with words of encouragement and self-love.
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