The Golden Cage of People-Pleasing
How I Lost Myself to People-Pleasing—and Reclaimed My Power to Live Life on My Terms
“Who are you?” It’s a question that seems simple, but it’s anything but. We’re conditioned to expect a black-and-white answer, but the truth is, it’s full of gray areas that we often struggle to define. This question brings me stress because, in our society, we’re measured by our status, our bank accounts, and our relationships. But when someone asks who you are, it’s rarely out of genuine interest.
This year, I’ve changed a lot and poured my energy into my business. But since May, I’ve felt lost. When someone asks who I am, I say I’m a coach, a sister—but I know I’m more than that. Yet, I can’t quite find the words. I’ve stopped being the friend who was always there for everyone, only to find no one there when I needed them. I see the same pattern with many of my clients—women who are mothers, coaches, extraordinary individuals who transform their clients’ lives but don’t attract the success they deserve. Why? Because we’ve been defined by our roles, not by our true selves.
I believe the success of your business is directly tied to the love you carry for yourself. It’s about sharing your small wins, so your audience sees themselves in your journey. It’s about finding relationships that don’t require you to wear a mask and creating a life that aligns with who you are. But when you don’t know who you are, you spend your life pleasing others, chasing crumbs of affection. You abandon yourself daily for a bit of external validation. And when you finally want to reclaim your life and become your own best friend, you’re lost, unsure where to start.
I want to love myself fully, to stop the self-sabotage, the endless self-criticism. I used to spend my days telling myself I wasn’t pretty enough, productive enough, that I was always behind, too fat. I’d scroll through social media while eating junk food, afraid to sell, taking courses out of FOMO. The result? I wasn’t selling—not because I didn’t know the strategies, but because I was ashamed of myself. I see the same issue in many of my clients who, despite trying manifestation and business coaching, remain stuck at a 2k-a-month plateau. It’s not about the strategies—they don’t love themselves enough. But when we worked on their identity, when they made themselves a priority alongside their business, their income exploded 5x.
I want that transformation for myself. I want to find myself, hand in hand with strategy. I know my community is there, but I need to meet them by first meeting myself. I need to love myself and discover who I truly am. I believe this journey starts in childhood—whether your parents encouraged you to express yourself or conditioned you to be the “nice girl,” setting the stage for the nice girl syndrome (more on that later). Now, it’s time to reconnect with my inner child, who’s been silenced for too long. I’m more than just a coach. Finding who I am goes beyond my job or my weight. I’ve realized I love creating, writing, training, and coaching. Writing has become my therapy, my way of expressing what I truly feel as an introvert.
It’s easy to get trapped in negative thoughts because you don’t fit society’s mold, or because your business hasn’t hit six figures yet. But does that mean we’re worthless? That’s why I’m building my life around the identity I want, guided by habits and principles from books like “The 12-Week Year” and “Atomic Habits,” along with my own 5 connections of femininity. I want to fall in love with myself, to romanticize my life by putting myself first, not others.
To do this, I’m focusing on five key areas to rediscover who I am, going back to basics:
Abundance: Healing my relationship with money.
Body Relationship: Eating healthily and getting back into a fitness routine.
Environment: Evaluating and curating my relationships.
Mindset: Selling my products daily and posting consistently, regardless of the stats.
Feminine Energy: Developing my creativity, honing my intuition, and escaping the trap of comparison.
For each area, I’ll dedicate 90 days of focus. My goal is to reconnect with myself, to create offers that genuinely excite me, and to document this journey of self-discovery. I need this change, and I’m ready for it.
What about you? Do you struggle to describe who you are without leaning on your job or status?
Moon of the week
Lifestyle
I love working on my tablet, especially in the library where I feel more focused and connected to myself. It reminds me of my love for reading. This September, I’m challenging myself to revamp my life—starting with getting back to the gym and eating healthy. I’m also creating a Notion template to organize both my life and business. Like my Notion setup, I want everything in my life to reflect my true self. It’s not that Notion is difficult; I just want everything to be perfect before I share it with you.
Feminine energy
I'm reclaiming my feminine energy by embracing my creativity. Art has always been a passion, but for years, I denied it, believing that as a scientist, I had to focus solely on facts. Now, I'm diving into digital art and have decided to open a shop to share my creations. It's a bit intimidating because I've often hidden myself and prioritized others' dreams over my own. But now, it's my time to express myself fully.
Thank you for taking the time to read my work, if you want to support my work :
What a pleasure to read this. A woman taking a vow with herself to love herself, find herself again.
Your words resonate a lot with my story. Self-abandonment for “crumbles of affection”. Yes… it’s a strong way to put it, strong enough to trigger a wake-up call within. So thank you for that.
And, also, I loved what you say about meeting your members/your people only after you’ve met yourself. so, so true. I had never through of it this way.
Much food for thought and energetic realignment inside me after reading your post. Thank you for this gift. 🙏
Feminin Creative Energy is so essential, when running a business, we might reflect more masculine energy, and thats were imbalance can arrise.